HIPPO Violations Lead To Closure of Omaha's Henry Doorly Zoo.

(HNN).  Omaha's Henry Doorly Zoo has been closed after a two year investigation discovered a systemic pattern of HIPPO violations and other associated abuses.    Zoo director, See A. Mess, confirmed all operations have ceased. "We always knew the HIPPOs would eventually bite us in the ass", See said.  "Fifteen years ago I said we should buff up our HIPPO display, but nobody would listen to me.  Everyone kept saying, 'Lets just ignore the HIPPOs.  They're too hard to satisfy.  Let us just focus on the monkeys at the top of the food chain.  They're the ones raking in all the dough for us.'   Now look at us. We ignored the HIPPOs and they've destroyed us".

Investigations into HIPPO violations began three years ago after several zoo guests, angry about stuff in general, reported to state governing agencies that they saw repeated and willful abuse of HIPPOs over a two year period.     Over and over again, daddies and mommies were seen snapping pictures of their cute little boys and girls standing in front of HIPPOs and posting them on Facebook for all to see.  These HIPPO vigilantes  complained that zoo officials failed to protect HIPPO privacy rights with these blatant displays of public humiliation.

Leaders from the HIPPO Privacy Coalition of Nebraska, a nonprofit who's sole purpose is to raise money to pay their own salaries, were appalled to learn of this blatant abuse of HIPPOs.  "I have lots of friends who are HIPPOs.  They live in fear everyday of getting their picture taken without their consent.  Nobody has a right to take pictures of my HIPPO friends without their consent."

Some guests aren't so sure.  "Those HIPPOs posted pictures of their fat butts on Facebook for years and now they complain that some stranger abused their right to privacy because they took a picture without their consent?  For example, this one HIPPO actually wrote in a Facebook post yesterday, 'My fat ass is in the hospital about to get gassed for surgery.  I hope they don't knock out the only tooth I have left.  Wish me luck'.  So you tell me how some hot Cougar taking pictures of her perfectly manicured children in front of a fat HIPPO, who decides now is the time to be overwhelmed with embarrassment, violates their HIPPO privacy?     It doesn't make sense."

Interviews with other zoo staff confirmed a culture of flagrant mismanagement.  The business manager, caught stealing money from 12 other zoos but hired anyway, said," We always thought it was HIPAA or HIPPA not HIPPO.  We should have looked at the fine print".    The giraffe manager, who wished to remain anonymous so as to not stick her neck out, talked about that one time the Lincoln Zoo pandas with Husker football player names were loaned to the Doorly's Panda Pit. "The HIPPOs went crazy. Every single HIPPO ended up broken and on life support.  I couldn't find a healthy HIPPO anywhere.  I don't know if they injured themselves intentionally or if they were sabotaged, but I hope it's the last time they bring Pelini and Osborne to the panda pit.  They were cute, but not that cute.  It seems like anytime we get celebrities here, like those cute fluffy little lion cubs, the HIPPOs get critically injured". 

The animals themselves had mixed reactions.  The rhinos were too horny to care while the ostriches stuck their heads in the sand.  The lions mane-tained their dignity while the  Zebras were striped of theirs.  Who were the most supportive animals?  Why, the seals of course.  They gave the zoo closing their seal of approval.  See A. Mess said they would reopen the zoo in 45 days, but they would have to cut staff of zoo nurses by 50% to cover the cost of increased HIPPO care compliance.

"It's not HIPPO or HIPPA.  It's HIPAA.  What the FLIPPA is wrong with you?"

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"HIPAA rules do not apply in bars.  If they did, any attempt at a social gathering among colleagues would result in awkward silence."

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For those that are having problems understanding this piece of investigative journalism, HIPPO (and HIPPA or HIPPER) are commonly mistaken for HIPAA, or Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996.  This article is intended for entertainment purposes only and contains humor that may only be understood by Bo Peleni, Tom Osborne and those in a healthcare profession .  Or is it Osborn.  Anyway,  I delivered pizza to Tom Osborne once when I was in college 20 years ago.  He tipped me $3, which was like a case of Old Mud at the time.    Is that a HIPPO violation?

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